Man VS Woman Jokes

2009-07-29T20:31:00.001-07:00

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

2009-07-29T20:24:00.004-07:00

Q:Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

A:You can unscrew a lightbulb.

2009-07-29T20:24:00.003-07:00

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

A: Because they think we care.

2009-07-29T20:24:00.001-07:00

Q: Why do men name their penises?

A: They don't want a stranger making 90% of their decisions for them.

2009-07-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

Why is it great to be a man -

* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

* Your orgasms are real. Always.
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Foreplay is optional.
* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
* Same work... more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
* Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
* One mood, all the time.

2009-07-29T20:13:00.001-07:00

What's the difference between "oooo" and "ahhhhhh"?

Three inches.

2009-07-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

What 3 words does a woman not want to hear when having sex?

Darling I'm home!

2009-07-29T20:08:00.001-07:00

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

2009-07-29T20:07:00.001-07:00

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

2009-07-29T20:06:00.001-07:00

Why are men more intelligent during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius!

2009-07-29T19:58:00.001-07:00

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

2009-07-29T19:49:00.001-07:00

A man is in a horrible accident that is so bad that he loses his 'manhood'... He goes to a doctor.
"Erm..." the doc says,"I can give you a new penis, a small is $8,000, a medium is $11,000, and a large is $14,000."
"I'll take a large!" the man says.
"You should really consult with your wife first." the doc says.
The man goes home and the next day he comes back in. The doc says "Hello, have you made a decision?"
"No, my wife would rather remodel the kitchen."

2009-07-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

So there's a blonde 'n a brunette riding in an elevator when it stops on the 6th floor and a man gets on. Well, they notice that he has some dandruff on his shoulder but politely decline to say anything until the man leaves two floors later. The brunette then turns to the blonde 'n says, "someone needs to give that poor guy some Head 'n Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

2009-07-29T19:44:00.001-07:00

What is the difference between being kinky and being perverted?
When you are kinky, you use a feather.
When you are perverted, you use the whole damn chicken.

2009-07-29T19:41:00.000-07:00

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I`m sorry, we didn`t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Nah," she says, "that`s okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

2009-07-29T19:39:00.001-07:00

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

2009-07-29T19:38:00.001-07:00

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

2009-07-29T19:35:00.001-07:00

Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...